Kevinald A. Zero

Hacking up the computer mainframe of my lungs...

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 00:28:16 GMT

Being sick would be a whole lot worse if DayQuil wasn't orange.

So I have walking pneumonia, which is apprarently what they call mild cases. I don't really feel much like walking anywhere though. I did go to work for a few days before I decided to go to the hospital last night. I was content to let my fever, chest pains, and trouble breathing go away on it's own but then WebMd suggested that might be a bad idea. After two hours in a waiting room hanging out with puking babies and this lady who was putting her bare feet dangerously close to my jacket, I finally got to see a doctor for 5 minutes. I got some antibiotics and Biggie sized ibuprofen (yes, the local CVS got bought out by Wendy's so now all medication comes in Biggie size). It was also decided to take some time off of work at least till my fever is gone, which my credit card bills are saying better be on Monday.

Sunday is the first rollerderby bout of CT's season. Doom seperated her shoulder so she can't play which kinda sucks. Yeah we are a pretty sorry couple. All beat up and diseased. She is still working the door and helping out. I plan on going but I might have to see if I can borrow John Travolta's plastic bubble. Or maybe that Gyllenhaal kid, I heard he has one hidden in his closet.

Today I burnt through season 5 of The Shield which rocked. Probably one of the best since the first two. Next up is the final season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

-The Kev

Dim Sum Fun

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 01:25:52 GMT

The other day I was haning out with my asian friend "Curiosity". He's a cook at the local Panda House. I was bored so he took me on one of his alley crawls. With a cleaver in one hand and an open can of tuna in the other, you stroll the alleyways clicking your tongue (or making a "pssh pssh pssh" sound). Hopefully some of the local wildlife comes and investigates. It's kind of a game, seeing who can "pet" the most kitties. I dunno what he does with them all but he let's me have all the General Tso's that I can eat so it's a pretty good deal.

We got to talking about Myspace. I used to be really "into" myspace. Now it's kind of a pain in my sweet Irish Canadian backside. Every couple of days I'm flooded with invites from fake chicks trying to lure me to their porno sites. Or I'll get a bunch of invites from lame ass bands that somehow managed to make the worst music ever and really want you to hear it. I can understand getting band invites from bands that might sound similar to other bands in my favorite list, but half the time it seems like they mass mailed everyone instead of trying to find people that might actually be into them.

Speaking of bad music, trying to look at anyones profile is also a chore. It takes forever (ok more like 10 seconds, but that is still 9 seconds longer than it should) to look at a profile while it loads some awful music that the person decided was trendy enough to be the soundtrack of their page (yeah, I probably mean you). Sure I listen to bad music that you would probably hate, but at least I don't make you listen to it... unless you are in my car. But that's the price you pay for me carting you around.

I'm also amazed with the vast selection of color schemes and fonts that profile editor's give you. Roughly half of which are completly unreadable. Wow, your Intrests are a big splotch... cool. Oh, hey your favorite movie is splotch too... excellent. Also if your background art inspires nausea then you should expect to recieve a jar full of my vomit. With a little note attached saying "Love your page!"

"Curiosity" totally agreed with me has he tossed his meowing sack into the backseat of his pimped out Honda. He's so totally AZN!

....

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 02:34:54 GMT

Who are you? What is this crazy thing?

.....?.....

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 01:36:37 GMT

.....?......

Smell my stank hand.... go on smell it!!!!

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 03:27:02 GMT

Date: 1/1/2006
Location: Lisbon, CT

Happy New Year mis amigos! Hope your New Years Eve was filled with booze, kisses from some hotties, and a creepy post stroke Dick Clark!

It's the new year, on a Sunday night and I felt the need to be surrounded by Nascar fans and bargains galore. So I hopped into the ole' silver stalion and headed over to Super Walmart!!! The waterford Walmart just wasn't super enough for me so I decided to take the extra half hour and scoot on up to the Lisbon Super W (plus I got to force Maria to listen to an extended helping of KevZero Music Time).

As you probably don't know, my favorite flavor of Chunky Soup (It's not a soup, it's a meal!!) happens to by Sirloin Burger. Yum yum. Lately however I haven't been able to find it anywhere. So there we are zipping down the aisles and there is a big Chunky Soup Display!

Piles of cans everywhere, and there on the top stands a can of SIRLOIN BURGER!!! HOT DAMN!!!! So I grab it and it's all dented and I notice that it's leeking. Who knows how long it had been sitting there with a crack in the can dribbling out sirloin flavored juices. After putting the can down I smelled my hand..... it smelled like if the trashy whore at your high school tossed her coat hanger aborted baby in the dumpster where it was dragged away and eaten by raccoons, one of which ends up choking on a piece of undeveloped bone (possibly a femur) and then crawled up into your attic and died, and you discover it a few months later when the maggots start falling through a crack in your ceiling, and the stench that assaults you as you pull down your attic steps.... yeah that's what my hand smelled like.
I tried wiping it off with napkins.... but it still stank. Maria had a wet nap stored away, and then it just smelled like 90% rotting ass and 10% rubbing alcohol. So I went to the bathroom and washed my hands... but they still stunk!
Now speaking of the Walmart bathrooms... they don't have normal sinks. It's just a big trough with sensors that spurt out cold water when you stick your hands under it. Walmart is saving millions by cutting benifits and hiring underpaid illegal immigrants. I don't know where the money is going cuz it sure ain't going to pay for hot water in the bathrooms.
I drove home, and had to resort to desperate measures to eradicate the stink.

Just in case I die from botulism and end up melting into some unrecognizable pile of goo, here are my dental records so I can be identified.

-Kevinald A. Zero

Puppy Love

Thu, 26 May 2005 01:44:21 GMT

Tickets please!

Yesterday, I drove on down to see more of the cutest girl in the world! Who happens to have the cutest dog in the world! And also got me hooked on the cutest video game in the world!! ROCK ON!!! I raise my glass of Sunkist in salute to the abundance of cuteness! (I drove on down to see more! Get it?? hahahahahahaha ok... uhmmm.. see she lives in... ok nevermind.... I guess it wasn't that funny)

For those of you who like to decipher journal entries.... the cutest girl in the world is none other than the world famous Maria! Whether it's Italy, Austria, Puerto Rico, or even the rap capital of the world Denmark, everyone knows how rad she is! As for the cutest dog in the world, he gnawed on my head and licked my eyeball.... aaawwwww affectionate puppy. He has a name that begins with Z but everyone just refers to him as The Puppy. And which video game is the cutest video game? That would be Katamari Damacy, where you roll this ball around and get stuff stuck to it (everything from cookies, pencils, cats, you name it) and when it gets big enough the King of Cosmos makes it into a star. Mega wack. And ultra addictive.

(As I write this Kenny G is on American Idol)

This weekend two of my friends from VA are coming up to visit. Should be fun although I dunno what we are going to do. But boredom is still a good time when it's with old friends.

I just finished watching the BBC's Office. Soooooo good.

Ok guys, this is my stop. See you next time!

-Kevissero

PS Did I mention how awesome Maria is?

This is the engine of my disappointment.

Tue, 24 May 2005 01:44:16 GMT

fizzle....pop.... fizzle.... pop...... (warbling voice off in the distance)....

I can't make out what it's saying.

As a child, one of my favorite parental saying was "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" This was off course preceded by my claiming that all my friends were allowed to do some stupid activity, so why wasn't I? Your parents are hoping that you will of course realize the idiocy in jumping off a bridge and reply "Of course not". That's never the case.

Why? Well that bridge is a pretty lonely place by yourself. All your friends have jumped. You stand there at the edge, one hand gripping the railing, looking down asking yourself over and over... why don't I just jump??

Well, I dunno what the hell I was talking about with all that bridge crap... but hey... here are some pictures of my refrigerator cuz everyone else was doing it!

Skulls, bologna, severed hands and Sunkist. If only I had some leftover chineese food and then my sterotypical single guy fridge would be complete.

I went and saw the Know How and I Voted For Kodos the other night. I actually said about 6 words to people the whole night! Which is 4 more than I'm usually able to manage. It was great! I am certainly on the extroversion highway. In a couple of years I'll probably be even able to manage a conversation! I can hardly wait!

The paragraph that once went here I've written and deleted a few times. Wrestling is on and I keep running out of the room to catch all the cheesy action that I'm addicted too. Then I come back and I'm like "What the hell was I talking about?" and I read some of it and then I'm like "Retarded! Delete!" and poof, it's gone. Ok. I'll try to be more coherent at another time.

k.benoit

The Jinx

Sun, 22 May 2005 01:22:22 GMT

It's always easier to talk about bad stuff. Like that old saying that I'm probably going to mess up that goes something along the lines of "If you make one person happy they will tell 3 others, but if you make someone mad they are going to tell ten." I think the numbers always change with each telling, but the basic principle remains the same. People like to complain. Also on the other side, people are usually more keen on hearing about bad things happening to someone rather than good stuff.

I find it had to talk about good stuff. I'm worried that I'll jinx it or something. Like when you are a little kid, and you make a wish as you blow out the candles on your birthday cake. They say that if you tell anyone your wish it won't come true. I kinda feel that way about good stuff in general. Whether it's wishes that you hope to come true, or wishes that already have. As soon as you start talking about it, then it all comes crashing down. I don't wanna jinx it! I fear the jinx!

From what you've read so far, you can probably guess that for some reason or another something good has happened to me. I'm already kinda worried that simply alluding to it, might have brought the bad spirits attention on me. I need to get some special jinx fighting talismans. Like special... underwear or something. That some withdoctor put an anit-hex on so I can talk about good stuff while I'm wearing them without fear of jinxing it. Yeah with like cool designs and stuff so I won't be embaressed if I lose my pants in public. It's also got to have good breathability and support. Yeah.... spirtual protective underwear. I wonder if I can find that online?

(I remeber back in the day when this post actually had a meaning...)

Anyhow, last week = good in KevLand.

Jinxfully Yours,
KevZero

Fun Size

Wed, 11 May 2005 02:03:53 GMT

So here we have on your hot little computer moniter the Tuesday night edition of the KevZero Times. Please enjoy it with maximum velocity.

Uhmm... that kinda makes it sound like I want you to start hurling your computer about the room. I wasn't really aiming for that but if you want to then be my guest. Take some pics though, you'd probably look pretty badass standing in the middle of a room full of trashed computer parts.

In apartment news, the possession of demons continues. I heard the maniacly laughter from upstairs again today. Although there weren't the odd running around sounds. Also another scary thing about my apartment is my sink. Sometimes it makes these scary gurgling sounds and kinda spits up water. Well the water doesn't actually come up out of the pipe but you can see it down there. It's kinda like when you have a dishwasher and it drains into the drain of your sink and makes crazy sounds. Except this is doing it on it's own. I'm sure there is some sort of plumberly explanation for it but my knowledge of piping and waterflow isn't too keen.

So I like this girl but I can't tell her cuz if she knew that I liked her the world would end. Or at least that's how it seems to the elementry school mentality I have. I'm pretty sure she has to know that I do. The world is safe though as long as I don't officially know that she knows. Cuz if I knew that she knew then well.... uhmmm.... the world ends or something. Maybe. Or something. Hrmm....

Longer daylight hours make me happy. Not that I use the extra time to be outside or anything. But the glow of daylight through my closed blinds is pleasent.

It's Tuesday night. I don't really have much to say on a Tuesday night. No one is really ever going to write a song about how cool Tuesday night is. I kinda feel bad for Tuesday night. Maybe I'll write a song for it. Hrmm... maybe next week.

Ok well have fun tossing the computer. Rock on little partners!

-Tuesday Night Kevin

Dual Pattern Posting

Mon, 09 May 2005 00:16:46 GMT

It seems like I have a pattern of not updating for like a month and then I'll update twice a day. Like my posts have to come in sets of twos or something. This is obviously my subconcious telling me to get married and become a couple. When I start posting 5 times a day that will really mean that I want to start having kids. Or maybe it's just a hidden obsession with even numbers. Perhaps when I was a child, there was an episode of Seseme St on where they were talking about the number two and that's when I first experienced the pleasure of touching myself. ("I'm showing Elmo!" hahahahahaha that kills me. *See Previous Entry*)
I don't really know why. Anyhow. Here is my second update of the day!

Picking out a mother's day card is difficult. I kinda feel like I'm lying to my mom. All the cards say things like "You are the greatest mother in the world." (which she isn't) or "You were always there for me." (Which she wasn't) or else they have a cartoon picture of this cat that just happens to look like her cat that died (about 8% of all mother's day cards seem to have a orange cat on them for some unknown reason). I went with a card that had Linus from Peanuts on it. Someting about him betting his blanket on how cool his mom is or something.

So I'm kinda weirded out by whatever is going on in the apartment above me. Let's review the facts... 1)One day while getting the mail, I see an old asian lady getting the mail for the apartment above mine. 2)One night at about 3 in the morning I hear all this walking around from up above. Back and forth, back and forth. Then I hear someone leave and go down out the back stairs. I peek out and see this man with curly hair carrying a box with a broom handle sticking out of it. Who is he? Did he just pack this box? Why was he doing this at 3 in the morning? Is he somehow related to the asian lady? 3)Today I hear the sounds of all these people walking around at once, and then this odd odd laughter. Kinda like if multiple people all started laughing at the same time and then stopped at the same exact moment. Then silence for a few minutes. Then the sounds of all these people walking around again. Then the laughter. What the f*ck??? And then silence again. The only thing I can think of is maybe they had their family over or something and there were a bunch of kids running around. Except the sounds of all these people moving only happened twice for about two mintues or so each time.
Am I going crazy? Is the old asian lady really running a brothel up there for demonic children? What is going on???

In other apartment news, the aparment next to mine had been vacant. I was kinda hoping this really hot girl would move in who was into video games, wack movies and ska but unfortunatly it's just this older lady with a limp. Other than the limp she seems pretty normal and I'm not expecting any middle of the night packing nor evil devil child orgies.

I got a haircut. I kinda look emo now. I'm going to have to take some pictures in front of my bathroom mirror for you guys.

Viva la salsa! Dip to the left, dip to the left. And munch, and munch. Dip to the right, dip to the right. And munch, and munch. Don't drip!

-El Keverino

Welcome!

Sun, 08 May 2005 13:22:40 GMT

Cue my music!

It's the KevZero show!!! (wide angle shot of the audience clapping and going ape shit for the one and only zerohero!)

I'm finally updating. It's been like a month. There have been a couple of times where I was in the midst of cranking out some quality livejournal updatedness when someone would IM me or call me or shiney objects would distract me. I have some of the stuff copied over in a doc file thinking I would just pick up where I left off later but looking over it now, it all seems so dated. Half my viewing audience are people that I've communicated with in some form over the past two weeks so they probably don't want to read the same stories again. They probably didn't even want to hear them the first time.

So now, here I am pouring my guts out to you on the fine Mother's Day morning, except I don't really have a direction. Sure I've seen movies and gone to shows in the past week. And I could tell you all about them, but I figure you have probably had your fill of movie and show reviews in my journal. You want something more! You want a dissertation on the philosophy of love, or a step by step guide on how to install tile flooring. Something usefull!

Alas I don't know how to install a tile floor. And I'm 95% sure that if you came up to me on a warm summer night and asked me about the philosophy of love I would just end up shrugging my shoulders and saying "I dunno." So why kid ourselves. Let's cover our hearts in tile and get back to what really makes this journal tick. Poop stories!!!

(Stop me if I've already told you this one) So a couple of weeks ago I went to the bathroom in everyone's second favorite bookstore Borders! My number one fav being Barnes and Noble but they aren't fond of southeaster CT and have refused to open a store here. Really though, who can blame them? So there I am with a bladder full of salty yellow joy and I walk in and go up to the urinal. There is only one urinal in the Borders lavatory and it is right next to one of the stalls. The walls in this Borders happen to be a lovely black tile that they diligent staff keep shined up to perfection. The stalls are your everyday stalls bolted to the wall with brackets, and leaving a nice 2 inch gap between the wall of the stall and the wall of the bathroom. So there I am peeing. I happen to notice that in the reflection on the glossy black tile I can see into the stall next to me, which happens to be occupied. And I get a nice view of a rather large asscrack. The reflection is right there in front of me, I'm peeing and so it's not like I can walk away. And the human brain just won't let me stop looking at it! Gahhhhh...... that abyssal crack will haunt my nightmares for years to come.

And in other news. This is a friend's story but she doesn't post this kinda stuff and it's too good not to share with complete strangers. So her cousin who is like 4 or 5 has started this thing where he pulls down his pants and shows people his goods. So one day her aunt walks into the living room and there he is standing in front of the TV watching Seseme St with his pants off. She asks him what he is doing and he says "I'm showing Elmo!"

I'm showing Elmo! hahahahahahahahaha That my friends, is true comedy.

That's it for now. Take your mom out on the town to celebrate Mother's Day and always vote Democrat. Adios mis amigos!

-A Magic Kev for Magic Times

Warty German Amphibians Go Boom

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 00:09:50 GMT

So in today's New York Post, they had a thing in the Weird But True section about toads in Germany. Apparently there is some sort of toad epidemic that is making them swell up and then pop. Crazy!! No one is sure why. They suspect it could be some sort of fungus or virus or even possibly the stress of being eaten by crows. Hrmm... the stress of being eaten by crows? I can't say I would want to be devoured by crows but I dunno if I would get all swollen about it. That would really have to suck though if you swelled up under stressfull situations. Like lets say you are hanging out with this girl you really like and you don't know if she likes you. You are all stressed out about whether or not you should say something or try something when suddenly your buttons pop off and your shirt rips open. She laughs nervously thinking you are doing some sort of Incredible Hulk impersonation but then stares in shock and horror when she realizes that it isn't stopping. You are just getting bigger and bigger then PahPOW!! and bits of your intestines splatter all over her head, hanging there like tinsel on a christmas tree. Yeah... she probably won't be calling you back. Or how about when your supervisor is lecturing you because he doesn't feel that playing Gameboy is a valuable use of company time. He's halfway through his schpeel about how he is only going to give you a warning this time when KABLOOEY! your aorta spurts forth hitting him in his open mouth, sticking out like a bloody snorkel.

Boy.... toads sure got it rough over there in Germany.

So today's crazy Asian movie is 2LDK. It's about two roomates who don't get along. And I mean DON'T get along. The tension build and you just know they are going to start going at it at any moment. And when they do.... whoooaaaa boy! Good stuff! I give it two KevThumbs up.
Also in crazy Asian movie land, this weekend I went and saw Kung Fu Hustle with Maria. Nutty kung fu action! This also got two big KevThumbs up!

In other news related stuff. The woman who said she found a finger in her Wendy's chilli got arrested the other day. Turns out she is a big ole scam artist, and she actually had other unrelated charges against her for like stealing a motor home or something like that. So they pretty much proved that she was the one that put the finger in the chilli, but they just don't know where she got the finger!
At some point I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out. Do you think I could slip them into a McDonald's Big Mac and then try to sue them for there being teeth in my burger?

Only two more days till the Planet Smashers down in Hamden!

Goodnight faithful readers! And remember don't get too stressed out or some crazy lady might try to scam a fast food joint using your exploded body parts.

-This Kev

Vegimite Poetry

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 00:59:38 GMT

You stole my heart, what a crime!
I wish I could go back in time,
and take you to my 8th grade dance.
My hands might be down my pants,
I could be playing pocket pool
as I lustfully stared at you.
A little koala bear I wanna be
if you'll be my eucalyptus tree
And let's take our love to Australia!

That's right baby, we'll run away together. And head down under. My love for you is like a wild beast. A BEAST! And we'll need the Crocodile Hunter to keep it under control.

You infiltrate all my thoughts,
all covered in barbecue sauce.
Licking you up and down,
overwhelmed by the love I've found.
My heart bounces like a kangaroo,
every time I talk to you.
Adventure you will surely see,
if you just come away with me
and let's take our love to Australia!

You tossed me away like a boomerang baby, but I just kept coming back! We'll be giants amongst the pygmies and have them carve our names into the tree of love. We'll have a wombat at a pet. He'll fetch our slippers and answer our email so we can be free to spend the day together. It will be heaven. Down in Australia.

Uhmm... they have Sunkist in Australia right?

The World We Live In

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 21:12:10 GMT

A few weeks ago the local paper, the New London Day, had this big front page article about gangs in New London. It talked about how gangs, drugs, and violence were making New London a rather dangerous place. The funny thing about it was that they printed this the day after I decided to more here. Oh great. I'm moving to some gang infested warzome. WONDERFUL! The article mentioned that the main gang in town was a gang by the name of the Elm Street Niggas.
So time has passed and apparently the paper recieved a bunch of letters complaining about the name of the gang. They said that their printing of the name, since it had the word "niggas" in it, was insensitive and wrong. So there was like a letter from the head of the NAACP and what not. Then there was another letter from this guy who said they should picket the newspaper's offices. But then he goes even further and says "A seperate picket line should be walked through the neighborhood of the gang to suggest that the gang change it's name to something that doesn't reflect the ignorance and lack of ethnic pride members have in ethnic identity"

What the fuck???? This guy wants to picket the gang! Well damn. Who cares that they deal heroin and are killing people, they have "niggas" in their name! Let's get the community together to stand by the corner where they are dealing smack and make signs urging them to change their name to Elm Street African-Americans.

It's things like this that make me embarrassed to be human.

A frazzled Jesus gave me Sour Patch Kids

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 11:25:21 GMT

Open your doors, open your windows, and let the Zero in!

They pulled up next to me. It reminded me of a troop of clowns crammed into a volkswagon, except it was a throng of soriety looking girls piled into a toyota. The driver made a motion for me to lower my window, which I did after pawing around in the dark and locking/unlocking my doors and briefly making my side view mirror move. But the right switch I did find and my window sluggishly went down. She asked me how to get to 95 north. I was about to give her long and confusing directions when instead I said "Well just follow me, that's where I'm going." So through the busy night streets of New Haven we traveled. A few twists and turns later we are heading up the ramp to the highway, and their car veers off to the side and they end up heading to South 95. Where were you going girls? Could you secretly read my mind and were turned off by my fantasy of you following me back home and becoming my harem? Disgust roiling through your guts causing you to flee to the other end of the state? Or were you drunk and meant to say south instead of north and were actually headed the right way? Or did you just take a wrong turn? Who knows, who knows. I wish you good luck car full of girls, where ever you may have gone.

Soooo yesterday I headed on down to New Haven and hung out with Maria who I haven't seen for like a year. We were going to see Melinda and Melinda but we arrived a few minutes two late. The Jesus man who was running the place said the opening credits had just started and we decided to just come back for the next showing. So we wondered around. We stopped by this comic book store and I got Y:The Last Man Volume 2. Then more wandering. Then we went to this mexican restaurant. The outside is vaguelly diner looking but you go inside and everything is all brightly colored. All their chairs were brightly painted and had suns and parrots carved into them. So we order and then the waitress brings us this totilla thing with beans/cheese/sauce on it and says "An appetizer". Maria and I just kinda look at each other like "What??" It was kinda like the Mexican Pizza's they have at Taco Bell. So then we get our food and eat and then after words the waitress brings us this tortilla with ice cream and cinnamin and chocolate sauce on it "Dessert". Huh? Ok I guess. Both of these on top of your normal chips and salsa, so they really do love giving out the free food. Melinda and Melinda came next which was alright. After we headed over to Milford and went to Circuit City/Best Buy/Target. I ended up buying season 3 of Curb your Enthusiasm and the first season of the Dead Zone. So I pay and all and then later when I'm driving home and started thinking about it I realized that what I paid couldn't have been right. So I check my receipt and Dead Zone was half off. Sweet!

So one thing that bothers me about movies, is that people always know where they want to go to eat. That never happens in real life. You are always like "I dunno, where do you wanna go?" "i dunno, where ever you want to" and this continues on until you are both about to pass out from hunger and just go to the next place you see. My goal in life is to try to know where I want to eat whenever someone may ask me. It's gonna be tough, but I'm sure with hard work and concentration I'll be able to do it!

Ok enough already. Go outside! Enjoy your Sunday!

-oreZveK

HOLY FUCK!

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 01:45:06 GMT

So I just turned on TV and was flipping through the channels and ended up on Fox and there was this show on called Life on a Stick.

Anyhow, the one of the main characters is played by this guy Zak who I went to college with. I had a bunch of theater classes with him. Crazy!!!

Luke Warm

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 01:00:09 GMT

This Blurb has been brought to you by ZeroTime Brewery (swirling up batches of nonsense, just the way Kev likes it).

Sigh. So here I am. In my kickass new apartment. All alone. At one time I was alone over there. But now I'm alone over here. At least I can be alone in style.

I glad it's getting warm. Being lonely and warm is better than being lonely and cold.

I used to go feed the ducks when I was lonely and it was warm. There was a good duck feeding pond not too far from my apartment. Up here though the ducks freak me out. Like in Mystic Village. Usually when you see ducks there will be a bunch of them all grouped together playing little duck games. But not in Mystic Village. The Mystic ducks are all sneaky. You will be walking around and find them slinking about in the bushes and stuff. The Mystic ducks all seem like they are up to something. I just don't trust them.
Plus they have the few geese with like odd facial deformities that are just plain scary. Those geese should be on Maury.

Here is a recap of the cool stuff that I've experienced in the last week.... Sin City, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, Carnivale, Curb Your Enthusiasm 2nd Season, Y: The Last Man, Bill Fitzhugh's Heart Seizure, vanilla milkshakes, Wrestlemania, the new Hot Hot Heat, Reggie and the Full Effect, and Reel Big Fish.

No one ever writes me back on Myspace anymore. People used to. Like a year ago I could have some pretty good email conversations with people. Not anymore though. I blame it on the republicans. Not cuz they are really responsible for it, but just cuz they suck.

It's Wednesday. The week is half over, but thankfully this update is all over.

-Cehfan

Momma 2 Electric Boogaloo

Wed, 30 Mar 2005 01:42:09 GMT

Time to pass out cigars my friends, cuz I'm about to be a daddy!

So my relationship with my lesbian ex-girlfriend's mom was going great. A few months ago, I stopped by on my lunch break for a quickie. I was sitting in her bedroom, eating some Lik M Aid that I had bought at 7-11, waiting for her to get finished in the bathroom. She walks out and that's when Liz's mom dropped the bomb on me, "I got a pink dot!" At first I thought that she meant she was going to start wearing a pink dot on her forehead. Like those hindus or whatever from India. Or maybe a little jewel like old school Gwen Stefani. I figured that she felt a bit self conscious about being an older woman dating a hot young stud like myself, and she just wanted to try to be a bit more hip. So I was like "Hey baby, that's cool. I'll love you no matter what you put on your forehead."

Frustrated she got up and went to the bathroom. I accidently bit into the Lik M Aid stick and it broke into little bits. I was about to just tip up the packet of colored sugar and guzzle it when Liz's mom came back out and handed me another white stick. "Thanks!" and I lick it and dip it in the sugar, "So is it just like a sticker thing or do you have to glue the dot on?"

Liz's mom watched in horror as I slurped Lik M Aid off of her stick. "I peed on that. It's a pregnacy test you idiot. I'm pregnant."

"What??!?" as I spit neon colored dust everywhere. I looked down at the white stick and sure enough there was a little pink blob in the indicator window.

11 months later.... so our little boy Ruebens is such a cute little baby. I love him to death. I can't wait till he gets older and I'll have someone to play video games with. Speaking of video games, I'm in the middle of the 10th level of Alien Splatter, about to totally unload my lasers into this nasty looking space beetle when my phone rings. I answer the phone, "Hello, my name is Patricia Hardy. Is this Kevin Benoit? Good, well I have Liz's mom on the other line. Let me go a head and conference her in."

I'm kinda confused, "Liz's mom? Hey what's going on? Is everything all right? Is Ruebens alright? He didn't eat a penny or anything did he?"

"No, nothing like that", Liz's mom explained, "Mrs. Hardy is actually a producer for the Maury Povich show. And I have some bad news. Liz's dad claims that the baby is actually his. And well to be honest I'm not really sure. I think it's yours but I don't really know. So I contacted the Maury show and they want us all on to do a paternity test."

The nasty looking space beetle ended up biting my head off before I could blast him. "Uhmmm.... ok... I guess."

1 month later.... I'm sitting in the green room in the back of the Maury show. We are all being kept seperate before the show so I guess Liz's mom and dad are like over in the red and blue rooms or something. I'm reading last months issue of People when this girl walks in. Knee high boots, fishnets, a tight black vinyl skirt and some sort of skimpy top that appears to be made out of black electrical tape. Hot hot hot!!!! There are about 12 chairs lining the walls of the room and she comes over and sits next to me. "Hey there. I'm JuJu. Like the bees. You know those candies? I'm getting sent to bootcamp cuz my mom doesn't think I should be having sex all the time when I'm only 13. I can't help it. I just love giving blow jobs."

I kinda stare at her for a moment.... "Really?"

30 minutes later.... "And I like to introduce Kevin!" I walk out on stage with this goofy grin on my face and a stain on my pants. The crowd applauds. I see that Liz and Liz's mom are out on stage already. I sit down and Maury starts asking these questions about my relationship with Liz's mom and how it seems kinda strange. I answer the best I can, and I get the feeling that the audience likes me and approves of our relationship. Next Maury bring's out Liz's dad. He starts yelling about how Liz's mom is his wife, and he is the man of the house. Yatta yatta blah blah blah. Then it's my turn to talk and I go on about how he failed in his role as a dad once, and he wasn't going to get a second chance to screw it up with my child. Then in a touching moment, I say that I will be a wonderful father and not just to Ruebens but Liz as well. I tell her I have a present for her and pull out this football that I had made for her with a pink triangle on it. She starts crying and the crowd is eating it up. Liz's dad get's all red in the face and looks like he's about to snap. Maury then cuts in and says "Well let's find out the results of the paternity test!" He is holding this little envelope and tears it open. He is about to read the results when from backstage Juju comes running out, her black boots thunking across the stage as she heads for Liz's mom "I don't know who you are bitch, but Kevin's my daddy now!" and starts swinging wildly. In the chaos Liz's dad picks up a chair and smashes it over the back of my head. Lights out for this kid.

2 days later.... I'm recovering in the hospital quite nicely. 54 stiches to sew up the gushing head wound. I don't really remember anything the happened after that on the show. I've since gotten a call from Liz's mom saying that we probably shouldn't see each other anymore though. I also got a call from Juju saying that we should totally go to prom.... in 3 years when she is old enough.

As I lay here eating my lime jello, I'm really starting to think that I should stick to dating girls my own age.

The Mother of All Love Stories

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 02:25:21 GMT

Well it just so happens that I have a new love in my life. She is beautiful, intelligent, and just all around awesome. My fingers feel compelled to frantically type out a gushing ode of love to the new found apple of my eye. I want to tell you all about her. Part of me worries that this is just going to be another meaningless fling that will come crashing to an end within the week. There is another part of me though. The part that reads his horoscope everyday. The part of my that believes in his fortune cookies. The part that really isn't ruled by rationality. That part of me thinks that maybe if I tell you all about her, then it will cement it into reality and it will never end. It will last forever. Sweet unending bliss. It is that part of me that is fueling this entry.

I suppose I should start at the begining. It was the summer of 99. I was in college, and you know doing what college kids do. Playing video games and goofing off of course. Hrmm... life really hasn't changed much. Although back then I do have to say that I had quite the social life compared to now. I was at this house party that was sort of in the college ghetto. The house was rather run down and seemed on the verge of collapse. It didn't really help that on this particular night it was packed with drunken college kids. A punk band was crammed into the living room and playing unintelligable songs. Their broken PA system reducing everything to a loud thumping gurgle. I was half drunk on Zima. Whoooooaaaa Zima! My cargo pants had Zima's crammed into all 6 pockets and when I walked they would clang together so I sounded like a bouy in rough seas. This girl approached me and said something to me that I couldn't really make out. I kinda just looked at her and shrugged. Then she pointed to my pink hair (I dunno. Dying it pink seemed like a good idea at the time) and gave me a thumbs up. She then motioned me outside where it was a bit quieter. Her name was Liz. She rocked the casbah. I talked to her all night. We just clicked. Plus she was hot. Seems like I had hit the jackpot. Toward the end of the night she went back inside to get another beer, and while she was gone my friend came up to me. "Hey, I saw you were talking to Liz. Damn she's hot. Too bad she's a clam digging dykarooni." Hold up a minute. She's a what? Yup. Turns out she was a lesbian. When she got back I asked her about it and she said yeah. I was kinda disappointed, but she was cool so I kept talking to her anyway. I'm not really sure how it all happened but somehow by the end of the night we were making out. After I asked her "But I'm a guy?" and she said "Yeah, but you seem cool." Thus began our brief two week relationship.

I guess as relationships go it wasn't bad or anything. It was just that there was something clearly missing. After two weeks, 15 days to be exact, I broke up with her. She understood and I think a bit relieved. We've remained friends over the past few years. Occasionally hanging out, talking on the phone, going to shows, etc.

So the other day I get this phone call from her. We exchange all the normal pleasentries, and catching up on what we've been doing. Then she says she has a favor to ask me. It turns out she is dating this woman. She suspects that the woman really isn't a lesbian and things don't seem to be working. She doesn't want to just flat out dump her because she really does care for her. So she has this sceme all dreamed up where she gets a nice guy to come, and her girlfriend will fall in love with him and then she doesn't have to feel guilty for dumping her. Yeah, and it looks like I just got nominated to be the nice guy. At first I'm reluctant, cuz I don't know who this woman is. Why do I want some wackjob falling in love with me just so you don't have to feel like an ass?? But Liz is like "No, she is really awesome. You'll love her. She's just like me... but really straight." Sigh. Well it's not like my love life is full of prospects. So I reluctantly agree.

So she sets up this dinner date like thing. I head on over to her house and ring the bell. She answers and invites me in. Her mom is in the living room and I say hi to her. Then I ask Liz, "Ok, where is she?" Liz looks embarassed and then glances over to her mom. Oh... I get it. She doesn't want to talk about it in front of her mom. But then I notice her mom is looking at me rather expectantly. Wait a sec....... WHAT THE FUCK????? Uhmmm.... Liz can I see you in the other room?

"Are you fucking telling me that you "girlfriend" is really you mom??"
She looks somewhat shamed. "Yeah."
"So was the whole thing just a story? Wait... I don't wanna know. I don't care. This is wack."
"But she is really awesome! And she always has had nice things to say about you ever since we dated!"
"But she's married! What about your dad??"
Liz is silent for a moment.... "My dad? Let me tell you something Kevin about my dad. When I was 8 years old, it was my birthday. I kept asking my dad for my birthday present. He wouldn't give it to me. Then he told me that it was up in his room and we could go get it but we would have to be very quiet about it and I couldn't tell anyone..."
"Ohhhhh fuck Liz. Your father abused you and that's why you can never date guys and are a lesbian?!?!?"
"No you jackass. He gave me a bunch of Barbies. I wanted a football. He is an asshole that doesn't have any idea what anyone else wants. Not me, and not my mother. That's why I need a nice guy like you!"

Well, to make a really long silly story into a just plain long silly story, I started doing Liz's mom. And it is great. We are soo happy together. She's rich and buys me all the Sunkist and videogames I could possible want. Her husband is a United States senator so he is completly clueless about anything going on. Life is good. So for all you single people out there, just remember to keep the faith. You never know when your gay ex will want to hook you up with one of their parents.

Shave and a Haircut.... two bits!!

Mon, 28 Mar 2005 21:53:09 GMT

I kev it to the left. I kev it to the right. I kev it all up and down. I kev it going round and round! It's Zero time! Zero time! Zuh zuh zuh ZERO TIME!!!

So my fellow lords and ladies, I shaved yesterday. Hrmmm not sure whether or not that was a good idea. Losing the goatee was alright. But my sideburns? I dunno. They are like my gimmick. They are Kev. I feel like less of a man or something without them. Sigh. They'll grow back.... maybe.

Anyhow I took some quick pics.
This totally does not look like me at all.

I'm pretty sure it is me though. Maybe not. Maybe ninjas snuck into my apartment and hit me with a sleeping dart and then took pictures of themselves and hypnotized me into thinking it was me. Hrmm...
This one looks a tad bit more like me but not quite.

This one a wee bit more. I think it's the goofy face. The Kev always has a goofy face. It's like the sideburns. When you get a good eyefull of Kev, then you expect to see a goofy face and some sideburns.

Now this one! This is the ringer!!!

That one is totally me!!! Without a doubt. So it's monday. I bought a half off peanut butter bunny this morning from CVS. I've eaten too much candy this week. I had sworn off but now my awful candy habit has picked up again. I'm paranoid about becoming a diabetic or something when I get older. I couldn't bear to give myself shots all the time. Screw that homey!

Sooo.... anyone wanna go to the movies? Or the bar? Or the moon? I'm really up for anything.

-Turkey

Double Your Pleasure!

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 23:35:46 GMT

Ahoy matey!

Arrrr, pull up a chair ye scurvy cur. Feast yer ears on this tattered tale o' mine while I give ye the SECOND UPDATE OF THE DAY!!!!!

Yes. That's right boys and girls and people in between, two... count'em two updates in one day!!!! It's insanity I tell you. Is it cuz it's easter? Well it must be. For not only did I give you one update, but you get the second "risen from the dead" special update! That's really quite a bargain.

I thought it would be neat on a day when Jesus apparently rose from the dead to spend it watching zombie movies all day. A celebration of returning!

I didn't really do that though. But it would have been cool right? That's my problem. I'm ten times cooler in my head than I really am.

So what did I actually do today? Well Sarah and I went to Warwick and we ate at the exotic Applebee's. No where else in the world can you find an Applebee's except in Warwick! (someone whispers off screen) What? They have one here in Groton? And pretty much in every other city in the USA??? No.... I don't believe it! Anyhow, I had a milkshake. Yum yummy! So we get there and I'm thinking that Sarah was expecting me to make some comment about the hostess. But I didn't. But I can't hold it in any longer. Dude, she was soooooooo hot! Ok I'm done.

So then I came home and watched the Final Cut. It's this movie with Robin Williams and Mira Sorvino. Ebert and Roper gave it two thumbs up. Why do they still have thumbs? This movie was bad. Boring and bad. Boo to Final Cut.

Now I'm sitting here. Type type typing away. I can hear people talking outside my window. They sound cool. But they are out there. I'm in here. I don't think that will change anytime soon. Brancing out on a tangent (tangent #435 when using the Edmundson Tangent Filing Index), I think I might like to get some fish. Like a big tank with some tropical fish or something. If they can talk like in Finding Nemo then that's a plus too.

Is Walmart open today? I bored so I think I'm going to go find out.

Hoist the main sails you land lubbin' barnacle licker!
-Kehvan

Egg Poop Soup

Sun, 27 Mar 2005 11:11:18 GMT

Five plus two minus seven equals..... ZERO TIME!!!!

So happy easter everybody! I hope the nice cute fuzzy easter bunny hopped along up into your bed and took a nice big dump of chocolate eggs all over the place. Speaking of cute fuzzy bunnies, that makes me think of One Crazy Summer where the cute funny bunnies where trying to blow up the hapless hero. Speaking of candy eggs, I do love me some Cadburry Creme eggs. Speaking of ADD.....

So I don't think I'm doing anything today. My mom invited my to go out for Easter with her and my grandfather. I passed on that. Hanging with gramps really isn't high on my list of things to do, plus they are going to the absolutely horrible and wretched Groton Motor Inn. They go there for every holiday. And it is soooooo bad. You have to wait FOREVER before they bring you food or drinks or anything, and the food itself always sucks. Why? WHY do they go???? I just don't get it. Why does anyone go there. But I guess if people can vote for George W. Bush then people can be dumb enough to eat at the craptacular Groton Motor Inn.

Why are people stupid?

So last night I was rather bored and went to bed like at 8 or something. Which of course made it so I woke up at 4 this morning. Now it's early in the morning, and I have no work and I'm bored. I think this is the downside to working so much overtime. When I'm not at work I feel like I should be doing something. But I'm not. So I go crazy!!!!! mmmmwwwwwwwwwaaaaaararrrrrrrrr CRAZY!!!!

So the world Horror Convention in like in two weeks in NYC. It's like 50$ or something though to go for a day. I think it mainly is for horror writing though. Then the Chiller Theater is next month. It's a long way to drive for what it is but I think I might go just to look for crazy movies. CRAZY!!! mmmmmwwwwaaaaaaarrrrrr!

I think I'm going to shave today. Not cuz it's easter. But just cuz I want to.

Ok. I think I'm running out of topics. A few weeks ago, Sarah and I had a conversation about having conversations. She was of the opinion that she had run out of worthwhile things to talk about with people. I think that you can never really run out. There are an infinate number of things to talk about. I do sorta think you can kinda use up your daily allotment of conversational topics though. Like right now. I've pretty much run out for now. I'll probably have more later today or tomorrow or maybe in 5 mintues. There will be more though, I'm sure of it.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads all this crap. Especially an update like this that doesn't really have much of a point and kinda jumps all over the place and is kinda long. Like when you click on your little friends button do you just see some long ass KevEntry in the midst of all your other friends and quickly skim through it? Or do you skip it? Or read it? Who knows. I know that I have people on my friends list and I don't read all of their stuff. Which makes you wonder why I don't just remove them (answer.... LAZINESS!). I remember thinking this once back in like middle school or high school. One of those classes where you have to keep a journal and I always wondered if the teacher ever really read it. Or did they just check to make sure you wrote something and then marked it done. One time in the midst of a journal entry I put a little note like "Hey if you actually read this then plese put a check mark here.. --> " I don't remember if they checked it or not though. I remember doing it, just not what become of it. Like when you know you've seen a movie but can't remember anything about it.

Ok. I'm done cluttering up your friends page. Go read someone else's journal that has cool pictures or something!

Five plus four minus one equals..... eight time????
-Kev

The Dwindling of Memory

Sat, 26 Mar 2005 10:43:07 GMT

Arf arf arf! I'm a puppy!

So the other day I had a bunch of stuff that I still wanted to write but I was soooo tired that I just decided to wait and write it later. Yeah.... that never works. You always forget what it was that you wanted to write about. I'm sure it somehow related to moving and various life changes but beats me as to what it was.

Anyhow, I love my new apartment! Love love love! I'm going to marry it. Does anyone know where I can rent a crane to assist my apartment in walking down the aisle?

I just got my cable/internet hooked up the other day. It is a heck of a lot cheaper than comcast. Bad news is NO COMEDY CENTRAL! WTF!! Who doesn't have comedy central? I just got basic cable though. I need to go check and see what other plans they have. On the upside though I have G4 the video game channel.

In DVD land I had gotten Curb Your Enthusiasm, which was awesome. It's about/by Larry David the guy who co-created Seinfeld. He's kinda like if you took Seinfeld and George Castanza and melded them into one person, that would be what he is like. Anyhow good stuff. Then I got Nip/Tuck. I've only watched one episode and while it was awesome there were numerous parts that made me wanna vomit. Graphic scenes of surgical procedures are not really my thing. It's odd how I can find that incredibly disgusting and nausea inducing, while if I see someone get graphicly cut up with a machete or chainsaw then I'm perfectly fine.

Otherwise my life has just been work. Work work work. I've worked the past three weekends so I can have a bunch of money to afford all new furniture and stuff. I was gonna go today but I don't think I can do it. Today I think is going to be ME day. Where I sit around and pleasure myself or something. All day. Yeah!

So anyone wanna go out for a mango shake?

This Magic Kev

He lives!!!!

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 02:00:23 GMT

It's true! I'm alive!

So I am all moved. For those who I don't really talk to, here was the situation. I had been living with my Grandfather over in Mystic. Before that I was in VA but had been out of work for 6 months. So I moved up here to see if I could find a job up here, and lived with him cuz he had the extra space and not paying rent gave me a chance to pay off all the credit card debt I had racked up in my unemployment. Living there wasn't all that bad. It was quiet and I pretty much kept to myself so everything good. Then my grandfathers health started to go. He had a couple of strokes and then ended up breaking his hip. Before the hip breakage everything was good. He seemed to forget things every now and then but it wasn't too bad. Like he would forget where he put the pepper shaker or the butter. Often he would blame me for these. Like he would say "What did you do with the pepper?" and then I would find it where ever he had last put it. So then he broke his hip and went into the hospital this last time. I guess while he was there he started accusing the people there of stealing his clothes and what not. So a couple of months went by and then he comes home. As soon as he gets home he starts accusing me of stealing things. And this isn't like little things like the pepper shaker. This was big stuff. First he accused me of stealing this gold watch, and this ring, and also all these bonds that he had. Whooooaaa now, I don't even know what you are talking about grandpa. Well it turns out the watch that he had accused me of stealing, he had given to his brother a few months ago. The ring he had hidden in his medicince cabinet, and the bonds he had hidden under his mattress. He didn't remember any of that, he just said that I had stolen them. Even when my mother told him that I didn't take any of that stuff he didn't believe it. She had to actually get the ring and put it on his finger before he would accept that I didn't have it. It didn't stop there though. Pretty much every time I talked to him he told me that I had taken something else, everything from his toenail clippers to this gun that he has. Everything he accused me of taking where things that he had just forgotten where he had put them. I just didn't really feel comfortable living there anymore so I decided to move.

I've talked to other people who had older relatives and they went through similar things. Where sometimes old people start going senile and get really paranoid and think people are stealing from them or lying to them all the time. This guy I work with's mother was convinced everyone was trying to poison her. So I understand and I don't hold it against him or anything. I just didn't want to be around for it.

So for the past year and a half I had been thinking about moving out. But I just kept putting it off. I'm kind of a procrastinator like that. Anyhow once I got a good kick in the ass to actually get moving it only took me like two days between deciding to leave and finding a place. So about a week and a half after that and then presto chango this Kev has a new home.

I'm really glad to be living on my own again. Plus I just got a raise at work so I'm making more now than I did back in VA. So it seems like it took 3 years but finally I'm back to where I was. Life is good. I have soooo much more to write but without being on the internet for a week I have all these people to chat with and things to look at so I'm going to cut this short and update more tomorrow.

So adios mis amigos!

-El Kev

TTFN!

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 00:33:55 GMT

Life has been a little crazy these past two weeks. Alas it isn't going to get any less crazy in the next two. This is a brief goodbye to all my internet friends, tonight will be the last night I'm online for awhile. I'm moving across the mighty Thames River and won't have internet access for a bit. I might be back on again as early as next Thursday if all goes well. At that time I'll give you guys a full update, hopefully with pictures of my new place. Until then, adios amigos!

-KvZro